This is a bad idea. I can just about guarantee it. See, I'm laying in bed, having just taken a dose of hydrocodone so that I can hopefully sleep through the night. And yet, like many other things, it has the opposite effect on me. I'm a little bit foggy, when it comes to motor skills and technical aspects, but it got me thinking about a lot of deep things. Mostly about dreams.
I sit on my bed, trying to keep my leg from getting stiff. With a partial tear in the ACL, too much movement can make me gasp from pain, but not enough movement has the same effect. I'm not sure how bad the tear is, because there was too much swelling and fluid surrounding my knee for the orthopedic doctor to get a good test on it. Within a week, I'll hopefully know for sure, whether I'll be moving back to South Dakota to recover from an ACL reconstructive surgery or whether I'll be able to stay out here in Virginia.
And yet that week holds so much more that just news on a surgery. I think that tonight is the first time it really hit me. This could make or break my plans for good. I don't know if I'm going to be able to run or juke again. I don't know if I'll be able to teach a young person how to plant and throw a football, or jump and catch it. I don't know if I'll be able to make it through OCS, or maybe SEAL school without ringing out. I don't know if what I've dreamed of will become a reality. More importantly, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hopefully chase my kids around the front yard before catching them and running inside for lunch. I don't know. And that's what scary.
That not knowing has caused me to lay here assuming that I have to have surgery and that it's going to take forever to heal. We serve an awesome God. He's been known as the Great Physician for long before I've been around. He spent time walking among lepers and making paralytics into leapers. He spat in the dust and rubbed clay on a man's eyes and gave his sight back. What is a ligament to our God? It's nothing. Just like the plans of a man. Or a boy. Proverbs says that the heart of a man plans his way, but that the Lord directs his steps. I may not ever go through hell week. I may not play football again.
That doesn't matter, though. Will I be able to stop and say, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." Will I turn to those around me and say that "I know my redeemer lives." What really matters? Being able to give people a solid 10 year plan for when you are out of college or being able to give people a testimony of the goodness of the Lord even in a difficult situation. What is the most important? "I plan on..." or "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him?" Christ took nails for me. So what is a torn ligament in this case? It is a drop in the bucket of my eternity with Him. I will trust in the Lord and I shall see His glory in the land of the living.
So if you ask me how I'm doing and I say that I'm vertical, or that I'm above ground and sucking wind, that's the steroids talking. The doctor said that they may cause mood swings.
I am so much more that vertical. I am thinking vertically, and I am blessed.